Disclaimer: If you don't get sick of the word "happiness" by the end of this post, you didn't read it, and are a bad friend
Something I am constantly wrestling with is the question: “Am I happier since I left the church?”. It is a question that must be asked. If the goal of life is to be happy then I naturally would like to follow the path that leads to the greatest amount of happiness. Even if the church is not “true” perhaps it could bring me more happiness than a life lived as a non-member.
Happiness is an idea central to Christianity, and specifically to Mormon theology. The church believes that god developed the “plan of happiness”, in which we came to earth, and will eventually be separated into different kingdoms of glory. Supposedly, if we follow God’s commandments - no matter how hard or heart wrenching - we will be ultimately happy. Mormons believe that because our spirits were given bodies, we can experience the joys of having a physical body. Indeed, many “temporal pleasures” are allowed by the church within specific time frames, amounts, and limits. In the Book of Mormon, there is a scripture that says, “Adam fell that men might be, and men are that they might have joy.” Essentially, we exist to experience happiness.
I must make the distinction temporal happiness and eternal happiness. Temporal happiness are all the “sins” that (according to Mormons) don’t create lasting happiness. Mormons feel that they have the only claim on happiness; they believe you can only be truly happy as a Mormon who lives a righteous life. This thinking leads to a superiority complex. They look down on those who are not living their lifestyle and say, “Poor them. They don’t know what actual happiness is. If only they understood, they wouldn’t be doing these worldly things.” They fail to recognize that many people achieve satisfaction and joy in this life without living the mormon lifestyle. They hold that any kind of happiness that is not eternal is not worth pursuing. Mormons view homosexual relationships in this sort of light; they might bring someone fleeting happiness, but it is not lasting or eternal.
According to mormons, no matter how happy you are in the church, if you follow the mormon out line of life you should be happy. In a mock dictionary of mormon terms found here, one of the entries reads:
Happiness (n.) The state of being in compliance with Mormon norms, regardless of one’s actual resulting emotional state
So now I must answer the question. Am I happier now? I do think so. I miss many parts of being Mormon. I miss singing in choir, having a strong community, feeling a part of something, feeling special, and having an institute parking permit. I frequently feel this loss, and think back on all the good times I had while still going to church. One thing that I’ve come to realize though is that Mormons say it is so easy to live outside the church. The fact is that being non-mormon is harder than being mormon. Instead of relying on the church to give you a community, beliefs, and choices, you are forced to find your own. This is more difficult, but as any Mormon understands: the more difficult something is, the more rewarding it is. The knowledge and understanding I have of people and the world is much more sound than the understanding I had in the church. I can defend my beliefs with facts, data, and reasoning, instead of “because god says so”. What’s more, I am receptive to criticism about my beliefs. I understand that I can change them at any time when more information becomes available or I learn something new. This is true freedom. This is free agency.
On a popular show called “Orange is the New Black”, which only you naughty Mormons will ever watch, the main character is confronting a religious person and she says:
“I don't believe a billion Indians are going to hell. I don't think we get cancer to learn life lessons, and I don't believe that people die young because God needs another angel. I think it's just bullshit, and on some level, I think we all know that, I mean, don't you?... Look I understand that religion makes it easier to deal with all of the random shitty things that happen to us. And I wish I could get on that ride, I'm sure I would be happier. But I can't . Feeling aren't enough. I need it to be real.”
Of course, much of this does not pertain to the Mormon Church specifically, but I would like to focus on the line where she says “I understand that religion makes it easier to deal with all of the random shitty things that happen to us. And I wish I could get on that ride, I'm sure I would be happier. But I can't.” This is exactly how I feel. I wish I could jump aboard the Mormon train, but I can’t get behind something that I believe to be wrong and incorrect. To me that’s lying, and I don’t like to lie, because I’ve had to lie to people my whole life.
Ignorance truly is bliss. The fact is that I am not at the happiest time in my life right now. Things are hard, and I’ve had more joyful times. But that’s because I’ve had to start from scratch. It may not be great now, but I believe it will be better in the future. I want to marry a man one day, because I know that it will make me infinitely more happy than if I were to marry a woman or not get married at all. I know that I will be happy in the future, because I will have created my life, and made my own decisions.
I realize that this isn’t convincing any of you Mormons. I know that you all still believe that I am going down a path that will only lead to sadness and despair. I know you’re all sitting up on your clouds of happiness, drinking grape juice and sprite. But I get the last laugh, because while all of you are trying to force yourself into a mold that you don’t fit, helplessly breaking commandments left and right, and always doing something contrary to God’s will, I will actually be enjoying life, the world, and being human.
