So a while ago, I joked about the plan of salvation, and I feel like need to discuss it from a fairer point of view (although I will have somewhat to say about its inconsistencies).

The preexistence:

To start, let me take you back to the premortal existence. I guess regular Christians don't believe in a life before this one, but I always assumed they did. I don't really know. Anyways, we started out as spirit children of our heavenly father and mother. We lived happily, but without bodies. Then god said one day that he has a plan. This plan involves us going to earth to receive a body, so that we can be tried, and prove our worthiness to god. He said that we would succumb to sin, but would be redeemed by someone who would come and take our sins upon himself. This person would be Jesus, god's first born child.

Then Lucifer said that he had a better plan. He would be the redeemer and make all the people who go to earth obey god, essentially taking away our free agency. Mormon tradition says that it's because he wanted all the glory, but it sounds like a good plan to me. Anyways, then god says no, and Lucifer starts a big war or something. He led away "a third of the host of heaven" (some people speculate this means something other than an actual third. I don't know why. In any case, it's not important). God then casts Lucifer down to earth where he is to be the tempter and devil or whatever.

The story of the pre existence raises a few questions, some of which I had long before I left the church. If anybody has a responses to these questions let me know, because I really don't know how Mormon apologists address these issues.

1. Did we have agency in the premortal life? If so, why did we get sent to earth to be tested. If the angels could choose who to follow, what is the point of being here? We've already chosen to follow god! Some might say that this is where faith comes in. They would say that now we are not in the presence of god and have to prove our loyalty even when we don't know for sure that he exists. To that I ask, "What kind of system is this? Why do we have to prove our faith that he's there at all?" Imagine that god appeared before us all and said, "I giveth you a commandment, one of the highest commandments: Don't masturabte." We would have seen god telling us not to do it, but it would still be difficult (if not impossible) to avoid masturbating! I don't understand faith. Why does god have to be all secretive, playing peekaboo with humanity?

2. Did god plan for Satan to fall? If so, he's kind of being unfair. If there had to be an adversary, then god knew that at least one of his children would have to be eternally sacrificed for this plan to work. According to Mormons this plan will cyclically continue on (that is, we'll have spirit children of our own that have to be tested), and if that is the case then it is a system that necessarily continues to make devils out of our spirit children.

Earth life:

Okay, so we make it to earth and we are living our lives. We go through all sorts of trials, and are expected to go to church and live by god's commandments. We are apparently born as the natural man, that is our default is to sin. If we didn't have god's commandments we would all be stealing and murdering and whatnot. (Y'all think this is a joke, but I've heard people get up in testimony meeting and swear that if they weren't a member of the the church they'd be a drunken homeless person or something). A lot happens on the earth, but in essence we all inevitably sin, and can only have salvation through Jesus. So we have to repent for our sins and that will save us in the end. Not only this, but we have to engage in sacred ordinances that allow us to get into heaven.

Some questions I have about this are as follows:

1. Apparently, man is naturally tempted to sin. But for some reason we need an adversary (a devil) to tempt us. Why is that? Some might say that we are naturally tempted, satan just tries to tempt us more. But according to lehi, men are not enticed one way or the other (2 Nephi, chapter 2), basically saying there is no such thing as the natural man, and we need a devil to tempt us. Which is it? Are we born destined to sin, or are we just pulled one way or the other?

2. I don't understand why we need to be tried at all. If god is all powerful, can't he just say we all get a free pass? If not then he is clearly limited by something bigger than him. The laws of the universe, I assume. I don't know, it all seems a little fishy to me. Apparently there are the laws of justice and mercy, which must be met, but who designed these laws, and why can't god override them? Also, why does god have to be merciful? Justice I can understand, but why merciful? I just don't get it.

3. We have the holy ghost to guide us, but why do we need him? Isn't god omnipresent? Can't he communicate to us directly? Some Mormons say that this is because he has a body, and so he can't do all the things that a sport can, but then he's not omnipresent and all powerful and the holy ghost basically gets a cooler job. The reason the holy ghost is so important to Mormons, is because it affirms their beliefs. Since you don't get the holy ghost until you convert (or turn 8), Mormons have a special knowledge that their church is true, because they alone have the spirit with them. Honestly, its not that affirming to me. On top of all this, the spirit apparently leaves you when you sin, but isn’t that when you need the spirit the most? Isn’t that when you need the most guidance and more promptings?

4. I'm not gonna touch on the sacred ordinances, there is just too much there to talk about.

The afterlife:

The afterlife looks very different from the view regular Christians hold. After we die, we go to either spirit prison or spirit paradise. Mormons go to paradise, and non mormons go to prison. I don't remember where the bad Mormons go. Someone help me out. Anyways, the spirits in paradise can go over and teach the ones in prison, and the ones in prison can be converted (and presumably cross over to paradise).

Then, at the last day we are all tried. God, Jesus, and the holy ghost are all there (I've heard that Joseph Smith will be too, but I don't think that's founded in any doctrine). Anyways, we are then placed into separate kingdoms according to how good we were, and whatnot. Outer darkness (or hell) is saved for only a small number of people. I guess it's pretty hard to get into that exclusive club. Families are forever, and people who go to the celestial kingdom become gods and get their own planet and whatnot. I'm not going to even talk about the temple and the endowment, because I never went in, so I'm not supposed to know about any of that. After all it's not secret, just sacred enough that nobody is willing to talk to me about it. Kinda like a secret.

Questions and complaints:

1. If we can just choose in spirit prison to be be converted, why don't we do that? Why are there missionaries at all? Let the ignorant people have their fun here on earth, and then convert them in the afterlife! I guess some would say the gospel brings people joy, but it brought me a lot of heartache, and I would rather be one of the ones who never knew about the church.

2. If we die before we turn 8 (and are baptized), we apparently go to the celestial kingdom. So these people get a free pass? What about me? My parents should have pumped carbon monoxide into my crib, if it meant that I didn’t have to “struggle with same-sex attraction”.

3. Do we need multiple wives to get into heaven or not? Please, someone clarify this for me. I really want to know. I've heard that there are degrees within the highest degree, and that to get into the tippity top degree you need multiple wives. Is that true? In the doctrine and covenants it says you do need multiple wives, as it's commanded by the lord, but that doctrine has never been retracted. I honestly don't understand this, someone please explain in the comments.

4. I guess there is a kingdom of glory for people that never got to hear the gospel? But isn't that the point of spirit prison/paradise? So that people have a chance to hear the gospel? Do people that convert in the afterlife not have any chance of getting into the celestial kingdom? Cuz that's a lot of people.

5. Why is three kingdoms better than 1? Can the entire human population, with all its complexity's and individualisms really be fit into three categories? And how is this much better than just one heaven and a hell?

6. How does the “Families are Forever” thing work? Like, it’s a really nice sentiment, but aren’t we all technically family? Do gods go visit their brothers on the weekend or something? When we have FHE does the entire human race gather in the living room? I don’t get how that works. Someone please explain.

7. This isn’t so much of a question as it is a rant. The role of our Mother in heaven is non-existent. She has no role in our lives. We are not supposed to pray to her or really talk about her much. Mormons say that this is because she is too special, and god didn’t want people taking her name in vain or defaming her. This position doesn’t hold up for me, because women are supposed to be the ones staying at home taking care of the kids. She’s the one changing dirty diapers. She’s the one who delegates chores, and deals with the complaining. According to the mormon faith, women’s primary responsibility is raising children, which isn’t pleasant much of the time. To suggest that our mother in heaven couldn’t handle her children on earth is just preposterous.

Unfortunately, this is the attitude many mormons hold towards women. They are too sacred, special, and delicate to be involved in more rigorous things. This view - that women are more righteous than men - is held by many people in the church. One frequent reason provided for the question of polygamy is that women are more righteous than men. People often say that men are the ones who get the priesthood, because they are the ones who need it. I guess they figure men need extra guidance because they are more likely to sin. I don’t get it. Many people would say that because of this view, Mormons are more feminist than anyone else. Alas, feminism is not about women being superior to men, but about women being equal to men. Both men and women suffer from the socially constructed gender binary, but that’s a discussion for another day.

I have a question for all you mormon women out there. If this system is perpetuated into the future, then this means you will have no interaction with your children while they are on earth. You will sit silently in a corner while your husband does all the work. How does that make you feel? I for one would want to be involved with my children, especially at such a rough time in their spiritual life. I had a great idea, that mormons should take and run with. The holy ghost could be our heavenly mother. She could be the comforter and the guider and what-not. Take it, or leave it.

Another question: Do we have multiple heavenly mothers? Is god a polygamist? It says in Doctrine and Covenants that you must have multiple wives to be exalted, so does god engage in polygamy?

There is of course, even more to talk about than this, but this is all I could think of at the moment. If you’d like to answer any of my questions, correct me on some doctrine, or anything else, please comment below. Sorry about any spelling or grammar errors, I don't have a lot of time to write and proofread. I also am not a writing mechanics expert. Thanks for reading, guys. It really means a lot to me.  

My Dilemma

Hello readers. I’ve had a lot of things on my mind recently, and felt an urge to blog, so I guess I’m going to. Today I’m writing about a dilemma I’ve faced for the entirety of my post-mormon life (which is only about a year and half or so). Let me begin by saying that when I initially left the church, I had nothing against it. I left because I personally disagreed with some of its basic teachings, but knew that it brings a lot of people joy, so I didn’t have much of a problem with people still believing in it.

The problem came when I began to see that there is a lot of evidence mounted against the mormon church’s beliefs and practices. I had seen some inconsistencies before, but as I learned more about the church, I found that there were many I hadn’t discovered. Something in me changed then. Suddenly, I felt compelled to warn people. To tell them that they were being misled. I was filled with missionary zeal. I wanted people to know about these issues for a couple reasons.

1. I wanted validation. This does not mean that what I believe is wrong and I wanted other people to side with me so that I could convince myself that what I believe is right. It means that I wanted my opinion to be worth something. I wanted people to listen to me, with open ears rather than closed minds. It’s hard to feel happy when everyone is against you, even when you know you are right.
2. I wanted to warn people. Mormons, most of all, should be able to understand this. I found out about some things that told me that the church was - without a doubt (look at me using mormon lingo) - untrue. I wanted people to know that they were putting their time, faith, and money into a church that was (in my opinion) fundamentally flawed.
3. I was fascinated. I learned more about the Mormon religion outside of the church than I did in all my years of sunday school and seminary. Suddenly, things made sense. The Book of Mormon suddenly became not quite as boring, because I could see how history had a hand in shaping it. Looking at the church as a product of history (real history, not what they teach in primary) is truly amazing. Discovering the extent of the church’s power is awe inspiring.

But you don’t really need to know my reasoning for wanting to spread my devilish lies to the four corners of the Earth. What I want to talk about today is that I have come to wonder if causing people to doubt their faith is really a good idea. For one thing, ignorance is more than bliss - it’s heaven. Before I left the church, I imagine that there was some kind of bubble surrounding my family. In this bubble, we were happy. We envisioned ourselves in heaven all together. When I left, this image was shattered. I recognize that this was (and still is) painful for my family. For mormons, the family is central to happiness, so I essentially took it away their happily ever after.

Another problem that I’ve thought about is that people’s lives are entrenched in the church. For many people, especially older people, the church is their entire identity. Their community, support system, and devotion is all found in the church. For most people who leave the church, we have an identity crisis, because we lose many of our friends, and the ideals we built ourselves around come crumbling down. This was difficult for me, but it would be heartbreaking for people who have dedicated their entire lives to the church. I had excellent friends who kept me from getting depressed. These friends were there for me when others weren't. Shout out to them. You know who you are. Anyways, some people don’t have these support systems outside of the church, especially women, who don’t usually work and, as a result, often have limited social interaction that is not dictated by the church. For these people leaving could be extremely depressing.

My biggest fear is that I might actually help someone out of the church, or that I might be instrumental in their decision to leave. Although this might seem strange for someone who thinks everyone should walk away, I know that leaving is incredibly painful. It is a hard journey, and people do not make it unscathed. Life outside the church is scary and confusing. For this reason, I am sometimes hesitant to talk to people about my beliefs. In addition to these things, marriages in which only one partner find the truth usually end in divorce. I know that some of what I say reaches people who are married. I would hate to be the person that planted the seed of doubt in that spouses mind.  

What do I do? Do I keep blogging? Do I continue to write about what I believe? Should I shut up for the sake of other’s happiness?

I don’t think so. My intention (which is not always reflected in my actions) is to make myself understood and be a support to those who are struggling, and on these fronts I will not be silent.

This is one reason I don’t go shouting my beliefs around the city. I want them to be here for people to read about, but I don’t want to unintentionally put someone through unwanted misery.

I want everyone to understand that this is a real struggle for me. I want people to be happy, but I’ve decided to take care of myself. I’ve decided that I deserve to be happy, and I will do my best to make it so.