My Dilemma

Hello readers. I’ve had a lot of things on my mind recently, and felt an urge to blog, so I guess I’m going to. Today I’m writing about a dilemma I’ve faced for the entirety of my post-mormon life (which is only about a year and half or so). Let me begin by saying that when I initially left the church, I had nothing against it. I left because I personally disagreed with some of its basic teachings, but knew that it brings a lot of people joy, so I didn’t have much of a problem with people still believing in it.

The problem came when I began to see that there is a lot of evidence mounted against the mormon church’s beliefs and practices. I had seen some inconsistencies before, but as I learned more about the church, I found that there were many I hadn’t discovered. Something in me changed then. Suddenly, I felt compelled to warn people. To tell them that they were being misled. I was filled with missionary zeal. I wanted people to know about these issues for a couple reasons.

1. I wanted validation. This does not mean that what I believe is wrong and I wanted other people to side with me so that I could convince myself that what I believe is right. It means that I wanted my opinion to be worth something. I wanted people to listen to me, with open ears rather than closed minds. It’s hard to feel happy when everyone is against you, even when you know you are right.
2. I wanted to warn people. Mormons, most of all, should be able to understand this. I found out about some things that told me that the church was - without a doubt (look at me using mormon lingo) - untrue. I wanted people to know that they were putting their time, faith, and money into a church that was (in my opinion) fundamentally flawed.
3. I was fascinated. I learned more about the Mormon religion outside of the church than I did in all my years of sunday school and seminary. Suddenly, things made sense. The Book of Mormon suddenly became not quite as boring, because I could see how history had a hand in shaping it. Looking at the church as a product of history (real history, not what they teach in primary) is truly amazing. Discovering the extent of the church’s power is awe inspiring.

But you don’t really need to know my reasoning for wanting to spread my devilish lies to the four corners of the Earth. What I want to talk about today is that I have come to wonder if causing people to doubt their faith is really a good idea. For one thing, ignorance is more than bliss - it’s heaven. Before I left the church, I imagine that there was some kind of bubble surrounding my family. In this bubble, we were happy. We envisioned ourselves in heaven all together. When I left, this image was shattered. I recognize that this was (and still is) painful for my family. For mormons, the family is central to happiness, so I essentially took it away their happily ever after.

Another problem that I’ve thought about is that people’s lives are entrenched in the church. For many people, especially older people, the church is their entire identity. Their community, support system, and devotion is all found in the church. For most people who leave the church, we have an identity crisis, because we lose many of our friends, and the ideals we built ourselves around come crumbling down. This was difficult for me, but it would be heartbreaking for people who have dedicated their entire lives to the church. I had excellent friends who kept me from getting depressed. These friends were there for me when others weren't. Shout out to them. You know who you are. Anyways, some people don’t have these support systems outside of the church, especially women, who don’t usually work and, as a result, often have limited social interaction that is not dictated by the church. For these people leaving could be extremely depressing.

My biggest fear is that I might actually help someone out of the church, or that I might be instrumental in their decision to leave. Although this might seem strange for someone who thinks everyone should walk away, I know that leaving is incredibly painful. It is a hard journey, and people do not make it unscathed. Life outside the church is scary and confusing. For this reason, I am sometimes hesitant to talk to people about my beliefs. In addition to these things, marriages in which only one partner find the truth usually end in divorce. I know that some of what I say reaches people who are married. I would hate to be the person that planted the seed of doubt in that spouses mind.  

What do I do? Do I keep blogging? Do I continue to write about what I believe? Should I shut up for the sake of other’s happiness?

I don’t think so. My intention (which is not always reflected in my actions) is to make myself understood and be a support to those who are struggling, and on these fronts I will not be silent.

This is one reason I don’t go shouting my beliefs around the city. I want them to be here for people to read about, but I don’t want to unintentionally put someone through unwanted misery.

I want everyone to understand that this is a real struggle for me. I want people to be happy, but I’ve decided to take care of myself. I’ve decided that I deserve to be happy, and I will do my best to make it so.