THE MORMONS, THE GAYS, AND ME

Dearest everyone,

This has been the most difficult blog post to write; not because I am overcome with emotion or some flaky reason like that, but because there is so much to say and discuss. There are several things about the Mormon church, and Mormon culture that pertain to this subject which I haven’t discussed yet. However, I promised I would talk about the gays so I’m gonna do it. Please, enjoy.

Let me start by saying that Mormons, in my opinion are one of the best conservative religions a gay could be born into. Mormon’s policy on homosexuality is that it is not a sin, but acting on it is. The official church welcomes gay members with open arms, something the Catholic church only very recently has tried to do (their invitation to the gays was quickly revoked). Mormons, for the most part, are very loving and have a modern view of homosexuality. As a result, they don’t try to “pray the gay away”, understanding that it’s not something that can be changed. The official church says that homosexuality is only a mortal temptation, and if people are faithful, they can live a celibate life in the gospel. As a result, straight Mormons have a difficult time understanding why a gay person would leave the church.  

I have made a list of the reasons why I left, why others might have left, and why the church’s position on homosexuality is hurtful and not as supportive as it might appear.

1. Forcing people to push down their gay feelings is severely damaging to people’s mental health. The church and most of society agrees that thoughts become our actions. As such, the church reasons, if you don’t think homosexual thoughts, then you won’t have homosexual temptations or sex. Quite simple, right? False. I can’t speak for others, but in my experience it is impossible to shut out gay “temptations”. You can try, but it doesn't last very long, and soon you are trapped in a cycle of guilt. I tried all the methods: singing a hymn, praying, distracting myself. No matter what I did, I kept coming back to thinking about boys. I prayed once, asking God if he could help me act straight. It didn't work, because that’s not what I truly wanted to do.

I point to numerous suicides by LGBT youth in the church. Basically, the church is saying, “You should live a celibate, heterosexual life in the church or die trying.” Indeed, if you follow church logic, it almost makes sense. If, when people die, they are released from a “temporal struggle” that they have been wrestling with their whole life, doesn't suicide make sense? In heaven you will be “cured” and will be able to be married, which is basically what the gospel revolves around. I never personally contemplated suicide, but I remember thinking how nice it would be to die, just so that I could finally be straight.

2. Many people argue that people should be able to live a celibate life. It’s been pointed out to me numerous times that there are straight people in the church who never get married, and presumably live without ever having sex. Why can I not just do that? Homosexuals and celibate people are not the same. Heterosexual Mormons are told that their sexual urges are natural, and while you shouldn't entertain or act on them till marriage, they are desires which are appropriate. John Bytheway (a famous Mormon comedian) notes that in the scriptures it says to “bridle your passions” and says that this means to control them, rather than squash them out. I assume he’s talking to straight people, because gay people are basically told to get rid of them.

In the video below, John Dehlin says that LGBT Mormons leading a celibate lifestyle have dismal life satisfaction ratings. If “man is that he might have joy”, how is this church approved lifestyle leading to such despair?

One of the most significant parts of having a body is that (for the vast majority of people) we want to have sex. Mormons are caught up in “dominating” the body. Salvation is essentially achieved when we can deny our bodies pretty much everything it really wants. However, any competent psychologist will tell you that while you shouldn't give your body everything it wants, you should give it some of what it it wants. In regards to sex, mormons do have a way to achieve this: marriage. Gay people, however, are essentially on a life long fast.

Most of you Mormons know how difficult it is to fast for just two meals, let alone a few days. Now imagine having to be on a diet your entire life. You know how good that chocolate cake tastes. You know how refreshing lemonade is on a hot day. You know how mac n’ cheese is the best food to have ever existed. But you are only allowed to eat broccoli and carrots. What if you don’t like broccoli and carrots? What if the thought of ever having intimate relations with a vegetable was disgusting to you, but you are only allowed to eat them? You’re life would be pretty miserable. So if you are a straight Mormon, don’t even try to tell a gay person they should live celibately. It makes you a hypocrite.

3. Even though the official church now decries gay bashing or mistreatment of gays, there is still much of the church that is not respectful or kind. I remember being in Young Mens and the young men leaders sometimes saying “that’s gay” in a degrading manner. Stereotyping is highly prevalent, and (at least in my young mens quorum) I constantly felt less than the other young men because I preferred to bake and sing to  playing sports and shooting guns. Many of you Mormons might say, “Well, the church is perfect, its members are not.” To that I would say a few things. One, the church is far from perfect. Two, would you want to go to a church where you are constantly marginalized? The church is made up of its members; their hands and mouths are the ones preaching and doing the work. An ideology may be “perfect”, but in practicality is awful. Just look at communism, or the law of consecration. As long as gay is seen as less than straight (which it is, don’t even argue with me on this) there will be a superiority complex that is degrading and will encourage stereotyping which will continue to push gays away from the church.

4. The church used to be very hostile to gay people. Boyd K. Packer (a leading authority) said in 1976 that it was appropriate to use violence against gay people. True, this was almost 40 years ago, but if you’re going to profess to be the perfect church you can’t be changing policy all the time. Continuing to say that a man who condoned violence against gay people is an apostle of Jesus Christ might be one reason other churches don’t necessarily think of you as christian. You can find his talk here: http://www.lds-mormon.com/only.shtml

I would now like to talk about some things I’ve heard people say about me, or to me and respond to them.

• “If you want it bad enough, you’ll stay in the church”
• To blunt, I don’t want it badly enough. I did once, but when you do any actual research on the church, you’ll find it’s a lot less glamorous and perfect as you think. Look at all my other blog posts (and read the ones in the future) to find out why.
• “I just want you to see the gay lifestyle so you’ll know how bad it is.”
• This is just flat out offensive. You’re making such a generalization, it makes you look bad. I just can’t even say how wrong this is. There is no such thing as a “gay lifestyle”.
• “You’re just following the crowd.”
• Really? Following the crowd? You mean all my friends who are mormon? When I was going to church, few of my friends existed outside of the church. If I had followed the crowd, I would have gone to BYU-I like I was supposed to. I paved my own way. I’m proud of it, so don’t you try to demean my achievement.
• “Gay sex is filthy”
• For those of you who think this is accurate, go say this to an actual gay person and discover for yourself how offensive it is. Gay often times have sex to express their love for each other, and saying it is filthy implies they have the same morals as you and believes in the same god as you, which they clearly don’t.

This is an excellent video to watch on this issue. Seriously, everyone should watch this short talk given by a Mormon guy about gays:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0MxCXjfAunk

I know that some gay Mormons stay in the church. If that works for them that is fine, but it didn't work for me, and I would ask that you don’t say, “He stayed. Why can’t you?” I am not him. He is not me.

Thanks so much for reading. Please contact me if you have any concerns, objections, or support.

• Joshua Read